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My Heart Thoughts

 29th August 2012

Wow I can’t believe how long it has been since I have written a blog.  The time has gone so fast since then and I have been busy integrating myself into our new surrounds here in New Plymouth, Taranaki, New Zealand.  I have to say I’m doing pretty well now.  The turning point seemed to be returning to Wellington last December for the annual Remembrance Service run by the Hospice and several of the Funeral Homes.  We have attended every year since Craig left us and it is a very healing time for us to be sharing with a whole congregation of people who have lost loved ones.  We sat on Craig’s Memorial seat at the Wellington Botanical Gardens and visited lots of friends.  Then I realised I was keen to get home to our new place in New Plymouth and an emotional transition happened for me.  I know we can go back there any time and visit the seat and friends, but I also realised that with skype and phone calls, those friends are only a moment away.  As with Craig I guess, he is just a thought away.  

Today is his 5th Anniversary!   Like it was on that day, the sky is blue and cloudless, the sun has that Spring feel about it and the spring flowers are blooming.   We have placed some beautiful flowers from our garden by his casket and also lit a lovely Angel candle.  We called his brothers and told them we love them and now we are going to go for a walk somewhere beautiful, perhaps in a park or by the ocean.

I have shed some tears today…I realised my husband was wearing Craig’s Polar fleece top, the one Craig was wearing that last morning I gave him a hug and told him “I love you”, before I set off to work.   Another year of missing him and sending him our love from this dimension to his.

Love you Craig – always.  Blessings to you….Mum

 

 

 Hi All,

17th October 2011

Today is my late son Craig’s birthday.  He would have turned 39 today.  I sang him ‘Happy Birthday’ when I woke up this morning and wondered how things would have now been in his life if was still here.  Would he have come to grips with alcohol and realised it wasn’t improving his life, even if it was a quick form of ‘self medication’, as he claimed it to be.  A shame in its quick fix action that it is such an addictive drug which is so readily available.  Would he be working at a job he loved?  Would that ‘special someone’ have come along who allowed him to be the sensitive loving, gentle soul that he was and love him for those qualities?  Would he have realised that sensitivity and gentlness are not weaknesses, but are what the world needs more of?  Would he have come to appreciate who he was with his wisdom and his caring for others without taking on board their worries and pain and adding them to his own?  So many questions I could have, but he is not here in the physical body any longer so all I can do is sing him Happy Birthday and trust that he now knows he is a Soul who is limitless and can now be all that he ever wanted to be.   We all can be this and more without having to pass from this world to see there are no limitations to who we can be and how much we can love one another and support each other.

Many Blessings…

Ruth

14th Sept. 2011

It was Craig’s 4th anniversary on August 29th, and we spent the day driving back home from Taupo.   During the day we received several txt’s from a very dear friend who had taken Daffodils and beautiful Rainbow ribbons to Craig’s Memorial Seat at the Wellington Botanical Gardens.  She also sent photos of the seat with the Daffodils and ribbons.  How beautiful is that, so thoughtful and sensitive!  What a privilege to have such a dear member of our Soul Family. Of course we acknowledged and thanked her.
On our arrival home, there was a card from our same dear friend, sending her love and thoughts for Craig’s anniversary.  Then she just mentioned that her own dear Dad had passed away the previous week.  What selfless love!  But wait there is more – inside the card was glued this very beautiful poem.        

“Four Candles”

The first candle represents
our grief.
The pain of  losing you is intense
It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.

The second candle represents our courage.
To confront our sorrow,
To comfort each other.
To change our lives.

The third candle we light in your memory.
For the times we laughed,
The times we cried,
The times we were angry with each other,
The silly things you did,
The caring and joy you gave us.

The fourth candle we light for our love.
We light this candle that your light will always shine
As we enter this sad time and share this day of remembrance
With family and friends.
We cherish the special place in our hearts
That will always be reserved for you.

We thank you for the gift
Your living brought to each of us.

Anon.

Watch for the Earth Angels in your lives.

Blessings all,

Ruth

11th July 2011

Well, we have had another death in our family – my great Nephew,  my sister’s grandson.  He was only 21 years old and died as a result of hitting a stone wall in the car he was driving, at speed and without his seat belt on.  He had been drinking and died pretty much instantly. 

His was the 4th funeral I have been to this year and his service at the local Crematorium was my 1st funeral there since Craig’s, my son’s in 2007.  

I thought I would be very emotional about that, but I was fine.  Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had visited the Crematorium at the beginning of the year when our local City Council conducted free tours around various parks and places and included a behind-the-scenes look at the Crematorium.  I attended that tour not because of any morbid curiosity, but because I felt it would give me a closure regarding Craig’s last journey as a body in this world.  I found the process very interesting and not at all morbid and yes another closure. 

The death of my nephew was easier for me than for his father I guess of course as he had lost his son.  His wife, my niece had passed away as a result of a brain tumor about 14 years earlier, so I took comfort in believing he was now with his Mum again.  Whereas, his Dad just wanted to “kill him” if that was possible, (which he knew was silly) for all the reasons one would if their child had driven fast while drunk and wasn’t wearing his seat-belt!!!!  He just hoped that if his son was with his mother again, that she was giving him a kick up the backside for not listening to any of them (his Family), so he had obviously been warned.  But that is all history now and so many people are affected by a death such as this, or any death for that matter.  All we can pray for is that it may save some of his friends from making the same dire choices.

RIP Jordan

Blessings all

24th June 2011

Thanks for some interesting comments on my last post.  I know I got all philosophical there for a while, some of you like that and others preferred earlier posts. So thanks for the honest feedback.

Now for some real heart thoughts…. On Sunday my sister and niece came over, (the nice thing about living nearer family again after years in other cities) to watch a DVD with us.  It was a New Zealand movie called “Insatiable Moon”, written by an Aucklander and based in that city.  We had watched it a couple of nights before and felt we wanted to see it again to take a few of the ideas in a little more clearly.  We enjoyed it more on the second viewing, both times laughing and crying.  I thoroughly recommend it and it has won Bafta awards.

It was  largely, but not only, about ‘mental illness’ or the presumption that if people hear voices that they believe are the voice of God, they are put into the category of  ‘mental illness’ by orthodox medicine.  The main character was such a person and he lived his life in a genuine caring for people and trusting way. 

For me it was poignant as my son was put on antidepressants and anti-psychotics.   I watched the life drain out of him while he was on them.  He told me himself that he started to feel normal about 3.30pm each day.  But that’s a whole new area of discussion, one I am going into in my book.

Anyway, following the movie, we looked at pictures on the computer of the walk we had done along the coast the previous weekend.  My niece then asked me for a picture of Craig so that she could put it in a frame at her home.  As I scrolled through the pictures  I saw several pictures of him and opened them to see if they were suitable for her.   That is when it hit me….I was faced with an image of my beautiful son, he looked great, smiling and full of life.  I was overcome with my grief for him, my missing of him!  Even though I have gotten on with living without him, this moment and others take me by surprise as it stabs my heart again.  I do so miss him and wonder what he is doing.  I closed my eyes and imagined I was hugging him as I cried for him.  I am glad I have those photos!

Bless you all.  

18 June 2011

I am just reading a very interesting book called “Seth Speaks”, (The Eternal Validity of the Soul).  It is by Jane Roberts and is channelled information that came through her by a Soul named Seth and was done in 1970. 

I have found some of it difficult to get my head around in part but at some level I feel I do understand that definitely we are part of a multidimensional existence, but are mostly only aware of the 3 dimensional world we live in.   The other day I felt drawn to go and read some of this book by the ocean and found that refreshing.  It was the day of the full moon and there had been a Lunar Eclipse in the early hours of the same morning, so I felt perhaps I needed this strong natural energy around me. 

Certainly the chapters I am now into I can relate to well, especially when Seth speaks of how our life here is like a play that we are playing our part in currently and how we have been in many plays before.  Some of us are players for a short time, our role being to set up a scene or scenario that enables others in the play to experience particular events or dramas in their lives, or to grow from a certain outcome.

I could really relate to this and saw Craig, my son, in exactly that way.  I felt he came with his set of lines to play that would ultimately have a great impact on my role in my play and in the way I chose to ‘be’ about losing him.  I know we are far greater than the conscious mind that mostly dictates our responses to daily life from a point of re-action in many ways and not from the point of really looking within and trying to seek another dimension to what has happened, especially in regard to loss and grief. 

 If I chose this role in my play, I can seek inwardly to get my answers on how my role will play out in a way that I will expand and grow as a multidimensional being, or I can cry and wail and stamp and blame God/Allah/the Universe or who ever for what has bestowed me and how I feel a ‘victim‘!  

I have chosen not to be a victim, but to look within to listen quietly to what the real message may be for me in my play and how it may impact in a positive way to all those who are in this play with me at this time!

I am looking forward to seeing what else Seth says.

Blessings to all of you in your roles in your plays.                                         

                                                                                                                                             The ocean I sat near to read.

 

9th June 2011                                                                                                                

  Yes, hello, I am here.  I’ve been on a journey.  A journey where I have felt like I was lost.  Lost my way and my purpose, like I didn’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in my life.  I have felt homesick for Wellington and friends who I can be exactly myself with, who know me at my core and respect and love me for my beliefs and my Spirituality.

I have missed Craig more at times too and it was great a few weeks ago when we went to Wellington and got to go and sit on the Memorial seat we have for him at the Botanical Gardens.  Going back it felt so comfortable, like slipping back into a favourite piece of clothing.  I know that he is not at that seat, but his essence is in the words on the plaque attached to the seat.  I feel there is a power there, like a wee portal to where ever he is in the cosmos.   But I know he is anywhere that I feel peace and joy.  So if I can focus on feeling more of that more of the time, I will be comforted by his nearness in my happiness.

I couldn’t even write my blog here until now and I have just written the 8th Newsletter for this website, –  way overdue, but when the time is right it flows from my heart.  So I am back, if I disappear again just know that I am practicing being in the stillness where I trust and know I will get direction and instructions on how to proceed so that I can make my experiences count for something that I pray will be supportive and helpful to someone else, hence this website.

I do know I am ready to get on and finish my book “Over the Rainbow”  (a woman’s journey of Love and Loss), so I know that is progress.  Life in action!

Blessings to all of you who have loved and lost and who are grieving .

Ruth

4th March 2011

Yes I have been absent here for a few weeks, but what weeks they have been, particularly the past 10days.

What a week….I have like so many of you, been shattered, distraught, saddened, appalled, uplifted, inspired, amazed, encouraged and mostly filled with love and compassion for all affected by the Earthquake in Christchurch.  In the words of our Craig, “From the Darkest of Clouds can come the Brightest of Rainbows!!”

Tragedy brings out the very best in people and also the worst it is true.  Amongst the bravery displayed in so many areas during this tragedy and ongoing, there have been the usual looters and scam artists.  I mention that only to acknowledge both sides of the coin.  I truly believe that we reap what we sow and we are all here to have experiences that can help us to be more of what we are capable of being and so much more than we ever thought we could possible be.  It some time takes great tragedy for us to find out our strengths and/or weaknesses.  I am in awe of the leadership of two of our country’s leaders in relation to the devastating Earthquake in Christchurch.  Mayor Bob Parker and our Prime Minister John Key, have shown how to lead with Heart and Compassion.  I am proud to belong to such a country, even more so during this time of tragedy.

Blessings Ruth

23rd January 2011

Well Happy New Year to all of you!!  I trust you had a good festive season and now we are well into January.  Our move went well and we are pretty much unpacked now having taken possession of our new home on Jan. 8th.

We are still getting used to the fact that this is our home and not a lovely Motel so still find ourselves walking around saying “Wow is this really ours?”   I guess we really feel that it is a reward for the hard times of saddness and loss of the past several years before and after Craig passed.  I have trouble saying Craig died, so prefer to say ‘passed’.  I don’t believe that we actually die as in cease to exist, as I truly believe that we live on in another reality, be it our spirit or our vibration or whatever term you want to give it and that the vibration of that spirit is still around us but in a dimension we can’t readily see as we can the 3 dimensional world we live in.  So that is how I feel and what I choose to believe because it feels the most comfortable to me.

Anyway Craig came up to this part of the country on the back seat of the car, (well his ashes casket did and who knows he may have been there in his Spirit form too) and is now placed in a lovely window box area of the lounge.  I feel he is really happy we have come ‘home’ to our roots.  I have heard of quite a few people who have been drawn back to the geographical area of their birth so maybe its something in the air!!

That’s it for today and great to be back in touch with you all.

Don’t forget to sign up for my FREE Newsletters.  You will get them all from the very first one..

Blessings on your grieving journey..

Ruth

19th Dec. 2010

Festive greetings to you all.  This is my last note for 2010, as we are moving house and I’ll not have a computer up and running again until the 17thof January at our new home 5hrs drive from here in a beautiful part of New Zealand at a city named New Plymouth.

Recently Ralph and I attended the Remembrance Service hosted by the local Funeral homes and hospices.  We have been going since the 1st Christmas just following Craig’s passing and have found them just so healing and nurturing.  The venue is Old St Paul’s Church, one of the oldest in New Zealand and it is just beautiful with its old timber and exquisite stained glass windows.

The Service is always quietly reflective in nature when we all arrive, we are given a lovely card star on which we write all the loved ones we have lost or those who we choose to remember on this day.  There are two Christmas trees standing near the front of the Church decorated only in lights.  Then at a special part of the Service we all move forward and place our star on the trees where ever we choose.  This is very moving and the trees are just a mass of stars and names by the time we have all finished.  They look wonderful and each time I can feel the energy of  Love emanating from them. 

At the end of the Service as we leave to the tune Amazing Grace played by a lone piper.  Very moving.  Then we all recievea gift.  This year it was a little ceramic pendant with the words Kia Kaha, which is Maori for ‘Forever Strong’.

I do want to share with you this Poem which was read at our Remembrance Service this year.

I will Light Candles this Christmas
by Howard Thurman 

I will light Candles this Christmas;
Candles of joy despite all sadness,
Candles of hope where despair keeps watch,
Candles of courage for fears ever present, 

Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days,
Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens,
Candles of love to inspire all my living,
Candles that will burn all the year long.

  

Candles

Following the Service this year, I asked one of the Funeral Directors “what happens to the stars after the Service?”  He told me that they are all carefully taken off the tree and are cremated, and then the ash is sprinkled in the ocean with a blessing  at one of the lovely bays near the city.  How perfect I thought. I thanked him.

Love and blessing to all of yu who are grieving. Know you are not alone – ever.

Ruth

9th Dec. 2010

Ok, besides packing for our move, I have been able to make some completions withpeople I have had associations with here in Wellington.  I recently ‘found’ on Facebook two work colleagues who are married to one another now and have a little son.  Am still waiting to have a proper chat on the phone as they don’t know that Craig is now in the Spirit world. 

 The same day we found out the miners were dead (in that no one could have survived the explosions that rocked the mine following the first explosion and then the fire) I was getting fish for our dinner and was so surprised when I turned around to see standing behind me a young guy who was in the same hospital as Craig several months before Craig died.  It was the psychiatric ward and this young man (D) also used to come into the Healthstore I managed at the time seeking natural alternatives to the awful drugs he was on. 

When I saw him this day, his eyes were shining and he looked so much better and ‘alive’ again.  After exchanging greetings he asked “How is Craig doing these days?”   I’d tried to contact D after Craig’s death to tell him but had no luck as his phone gave a disconnected signal – from this I feared he too may have passed on.   So I was glad to see him looking this well but knew he would ask after Craig.  Even though I knew he would ask,  my heart took a leap as I told him that Craig had passed away just over 3 years before.  I could see the shock and hurt in his eyes, so suggested we go and sit outside for a chat.  This news had affected him deeply and he told me so.  I was feeling very fragile myself having just heard of the miners and now telling D this news I felt we both needed a hug so we asked if he would like one – he did.  I felt bad for upsetting him, even though I too felt emotional already.

We talked some more and after walked down the street together as I lived only over the road.  He told me of having tried several times to take his own life and having been on life support for 5 days withhis liver and kidneys in failure while he was unconscious. He shared that he now gives all his cares to God and asks that he be looked after.  He is still on a heap of medication but isn’t fixated on the side effects now as he has accepted it doesn’t have to be for a lifetime. We said goodbye with a hug and I invited him to call in sometime but realised se didn’t swap contact details, I knew the street he lived in.  A few days later I phoned the Healthstorewhere I’d worked and asked my ex colleague  to check the Customer club for his address.   Becauseof the packing jobs, I hadn’t called him yet when she phoned to say she’d just seen him and told him I was trying to make contact.  I felt I needed to just chat some more with him and also I really felt I wanted to give him a copy of  “Gentle Reflections”  (see the body of the website) as it was full of many photo’s that Craig had taken and some of Craig’s words of wisdom.  I really felt D would appreciate that. 

So he has been to visit, we chatted over a cup of Chamomile tea and I showed him some things around the room that was Craig’s.  I found it comforting that D was looking so well and had handed his life over to God.  D was alive and things were working better for him.  He said each time he goes to his appointments with his psychiatrist and councelor, he asks God to be with him.  He said too that he knows this is working and the Drs are talking about reducing his medication.

I wrote in the cover of my little book and gave it to him , all wrapped up so he could open it at home.  We hugged goodbye and I felt a senseof completion around Craig’s contact with D.   He txted me to say that the book touched him deeply and he sent me God’s blessing.  Craig through me was still helping people….I am blessed indeed to have had such a gift as Craig’s life.

Love and blessings to you all.

Note:- I may not get to write again for a few weeks with the move and all, so Wishing you Love for Christmas, and know that our loved one’s who are passed are only a whisper away any time we need them.  Send them Love from your heart every day, not just at Christmas.

Blessings be…Ruth 

28th Nov. 2010

Well there have been a few days of lapsing here, but plenty has happened since the 15th.  I told you I felt a sale was close, well I was right and we had two offers in two days.  I can now report that our house is sold and we have successfully purchased back in our old home city several hours drive away.  It all seems rather surreal, in that we are heading back to our roots. Each time we have moved before it has been because Ralph had received a new posting in his job and it often involved moving our 3 boys to a new city and new schools etc.  Well now there is only the two of us and our eldest son has 4 boys of his own, our youngest son has 3 daughters and of course Craig is in Spirit.  But this move takes us full circle back to where we began as children ourselves and to the city where our three boys were born.   I feel there is more healing to do there and it feels like that is the place I will complete my book “Over The Rainbow”, yes it relates to the loss of Craig and the song mentioned below.

Not only has there been the house sale, the Heart of our Nation has been torn in the past days by the loss of 29 of our men from the coal mining town of Greymouth, SouthIsland, New Zealand following a mine collapseand subsequent explosions.  We waited optimistically for several days while experts from around the globe were flown in the hope that their expertise could solve the problem of rising methane gas levels preventing any rescue of the trapped men.  Then further explosions brought the cruel truth to our ears, not only to the ears of the families who had waited for news of their loved ones being rescued, but to each of us in this land.  I heard the news of the hopelessness and reality of the truththat no-one would now be alive in that mine and my heart tore again.  This time with such compassion and the sense of loss that re-ignited my loss of my son and the loss for all thoseaffected directly by this disaster.  I was bereft again with all in this land, for the loss we were all feeling.  I felt strangely like I was in another dimension and disconnected somehow, sort of out of myself.  I cried a lot and decided to go into my healing room, light a candle and say a prayer for all these men, their families and all thoseaffected.  Then I rang my little Tibetan bells 29 times, once for each of the men in that mine, who would be with God now. Then I rang them once for Craig too and asked him to greet them.  Through our Hearts in pain and grief, we are ALL connected. 

Yes even you and I for we all have the same emotions.

Blessings to you all and to the families and loved ones of the Pike River Coal Mine, Greymouth, New Zealand.

15th Nov. 2010

I love the Ukelele version of Somewhere Over the Rainbowand we played it at Craig’s Celebration of Life Service.  Every time it comes on the Radio, I feel strongly that it’s Craig letting me know that he is nearby and encouraging me in whatever it is I am experiencing at the time.  It always has an impact on me and now I am able to smile rather than cry when I hear it as I did in the early months.  I heard it today and I smiled.  We are in the process of selling our house at present and there are several people interested.. I felt Craig was telling me ‘not long now!’  I’ll keep you posted!! Have a Healing Day!!  Ruth

13th Nov. 2010

Caught up with my old boss (his name is Craig too) last Sunday whom we hadn’t seen for 5 years. Even thought we had spoken on the phone since Craig passed, we hadn’t seen each other. Found myself sharing a lot about what happened with our dear son Craig and strangely now his initials are the same as Craig’s were.  It is the first time I had talked in detail about Craig’s passing for a while…It felt good to share and I was able to talk about it without getting too emotional. So I guess that is progress! He too believed it seemed like ‘it was just his time to go home to God.’ I found that comforting somehow! I have always believed this..we all have our time even it we don’t consciously know it!

November 9th 2010

I realised I have been doing something silly here. Each time I have added a new post, I have deleted the old one and so have lost all that I had previously shared with you re some of my grieving journey.  So from now on I will leave a running flow.

I haven’t felt Craig so near me as while painting the house as preparation for putting it on the Market.  I really felt him with me especially when I was wearing his painting clothes, well a rugby practice jersey really with all sorts of colours of fabric but smeared with paint as he had wiped his finger across various areas – probably as he took a bristle from the brush from where he was working or a speck of something that had made its way onto the surface he was painting.  I found it comforting and used to chat away to him as I worked, asking his opinion of my efforts..I enjoyed that!!

November 4th 2010

We I bet you thought I had died and gone to heaven or where ever myself as its been a while since I made contact.  You see we have been working frantically to get our property ready to sell as we have a very strong pull to move back to our home area of Taranaki- 4.5hrs drive from here..It is over 32 years since we lived in the city of New Plymouth there and we feel ‘called home’!  So the has been much work done, painting, sorting, tidying, gardening, getting the drive resealed etc, etc. We are now on the market and waiting for that family to come along who will just love this home and want to make it theirs. 

I had comfort from Craig while I painted as I wore his painting clothes, still marked with the smears from his fingers where he had wiped the paint off.  I felt his presence and feel strongly that he is excited for us to be going back to our roots. He and his two brothers were born in New Plymouth too so will be a return to the source so to speak.

So there you have it.. will keep up the news more regularly now, but if I get quiet again, then maybe I’m busy packing, but will try to let you know first..

Love and Hugs to you all who are grieving the loss of your loved ones.

Ruth

It was a very real dream I had about him. He was very happy and had found his Soul mate and she had found him.  It was a profound dream.. They were both very happy and adored each other, accepting one another totally.  It left me feeling very peaceful and happy for him/them.  Funny also, I seemed to recognise her, but I have no idea who she is!

Friends, I know, are beautiful gifts from God, especially when their thoughtful actions really touch our Hearts.. Thanks to our wonderful friends.

 
Grief Support NZ

Grief Support NZ  A readers comments of ‘Gentle Reflections’ :- 

“I felt empowered and esteemed as I gently read the text and saw its correlation in the images.  I could reflect on each page for a whole day.  I felt close to the writers and photographers as I spent time in the pages!  I felt cared for by them!”  ~ Dave

Thanks so much Dave…

A FREE Monthly Newsletter is available to subscribers. Subscribe Today if you would like to receive the 1st Edition and following Editions. I have shared some of my musings around grief and also ideas that may enlighten you.

Blessings and good wishes to you all for the week ahead.

Ruth and Ralph

Have a healing day!

Footnote

  Friend Simon has done a great job with our website,  and we would be happy to pass him referrals. Just email us at ruth@griefsupportnz.comsubject – webpage designer.

221 comments to Heart Felt Grief Thoughts

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